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It is well documented that I have serious issues with Christmas. One thing I have neglected to mention in any of my Christmas-related articles so far is the phenomenon of Christmas specials. It never ceases to amaze me how any shithead can make a half hour cartoon or movie with a Christmas theme and actually get people to watch it. And it doesn't matter how stupid the characters are, how generic the story is, or how crappy the acting or animation is, people will eat up any bullshit associated with Christmas. And when I was a kid I was forced to watch this shit all the time. Every fucking year it was the same fucking shows over and over. Do you know how many fucking times I've seen Rudolph the red nosed fucking reindeer? At least eight thousand. I am so fucking sick of that little pussy. I've decided to take this opportunity to talk about some of the very worst Christmas specials ever.

Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas

This shitty Muppet movie featured Emmet Otter and his widowed mother. The premise of the show was that there was a talent contest on Christmas Eve for all the local music acts and both Emmet's redneck jug band (the Kentucky white trash equivalent of a garage band) and Emmet's mother wanted to win the contest, so they could get the prize money and get a special present for the other. Ironically, Emmet had to put a hole in his mother's wash tub to make an instrument, and Emmet's mother had to pawn Emmet's dead father's tools that Emmet loved so much so she could buy the fabric for a nice looking dress that would be acceptable to wear for the contest. They get to the contest and they both lose and this shitty rock group wins. They're all sitting around moping and feeling like dipshits when some guy offers to pay Emmet's mom to sing at his restaurant on a regular basis. It had apparently never occurred to the dumb skank to get a regular job to pay the bills. So she gets a job and everyone is happy and they have a merry Christmas and everyone laughs and smiles like jackasses. And who the fuck names their kid Emmet anyway? What a stupid name.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Oh my God, I almost don't want to get started on this one, it's so shitty. Rudolph was such a little pussy. I was glad when his dad yelled at him for being a bitch. If I was a deer and Rudolph was my kid, I would have beat the shit out of him. And what the fuck was with that Hermie? Who the fuck wants to be a dentist? And his hair was extremely fruity. Combine all these factors and you've got one very flamboyantly gay elf. I sensed more than a little bit of sexual tension between those two throughout the movie. And Yukon Cornelius was pretty gay too. And the abominable snowman. And that stupid lion, who didn't fit in the story at all. And what the hell was the deal with all the misfit toys? So they got Santa to pick up all the misfit toys and give them to different children, but what the fuck makes them think this time will be any different? Like maybe this time the train with square wheels will be given to some little kid who actually likes trains with square wheels? I'm sorry but if Santa gave me a train with square wheels, I'd shove it right up his ass. And then there was the squirt gun that shoots jelly instead of water. How is that a misfit toy? Here's an idea dipshit, why don't you put water into the gun instead of jelly? And that fucking snowman. God I hated that asshole. Every time that fucker came on screen with that umbrella and that child molesting smile I wanted to beat the shit out of him. The only cool character in this whole movie was the head elf at the toy factory who made fun of Hermie for being a wannabe dentist queerbait. That elf was cool. He was a grumpy sarcastic asshole. Not unlike myself. He was awesome. I think he should have beat Hermie's ass. I would have.

Frosty the Snowman

In addition to boring the shit out of me, this one confused me. Frosty the snowman, a children's Christmas icon, had a pipe. So let me get this straight. Camel got in trouble for having Joe Camel because that makes smoking appealing to children, but it's okay for Frosty the Snowman, a Christmas icon, to have a pipe? Only in America.

The Little Drummer Boy

First of all, I hate this one because it was all Jesusy. Second of all, even if I was a Christian I still wouldn't care about the little drummer boy. He was poor and ugly and dirty, and he probably stank too. And plus this movie was in the desert and deserts piss me off. They're dirty and hot and they stink.

Miracle on 34th Street

I don't even remember what the fuck this one was about. I just remember the little girl and Santa and them pissing me off. I hate that little girl.

It's a Wonderful Life

This one was not only a shitty movie, but it has inspired countless of shitty knockoffs over the years. It must be a federal law that all sitcoms must make at least one episode where they take the "It's a Wonderful Life" theme of an angel showing how life would be different without you, or without some event happening, etc. and make a really shitty show, preferably a Christmas edition. It's a stupid idea and it's been done a million times and it's getting really fucking annoying. Get some new ideas assholes. Here's an idea for a show for you. How about a show where every time I see another shitty "It's a Wonderful Life" knockoff, another TV executive gets his balls chopped off. I'd watch that.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

This pisses me off because the Grinch was my hero until he sold out like a God damn hippie. Here the Grinch had the kickass idea to get rid of Christmas so he steals all the Christmas shit from the Who's, which is by the way a very stupid name for a group of people. What pisses me off is how unrealistic the ending was. You know if everybody in this country woke up Christmas morning and there were no presents, there would be riots, not singing. Nobody gives a fuck about the "spirit of Christmas." All we want is presents. It pisses me off how the Grinch heard singing and then decided he liked Christmas after all. You see, if I managed to steal all the Christmas bullshit and I heard people singing, it would piss me off even more. I would dump their shit over the cliff and then go back to town with a gun. Singing is even more annoying than Christmas. Especially the singing of Christmas songs. God I hate Christmas songs. I'm too pissed off right now to even continue.

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