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We've all, or at least all of us males of the heterosexual persuasion, at one time or another (or thousands of times) been confused with women. Many times they say one thing and mean another. Sometimes it's intentional. For example, when women know what they mean but choose to say something else for reasons such as a misguided attempt to not hurt someone's feelings or to not look like the dirty ho that they are. Other times they say things that just don't make any sense at all. I've done some careful research and I think I have the reason why. The brain was formerly thought to be located in the skull. Untrue. The brain is actually part of the genitals. Because men and women have different genitals, their brains are actually composed of different elements of thinking. I have diagrammed the difference in the male and female brain below.

Female Brain

Male Brain

As you can see the brains of the two sexes are completely different. The male is missing the parts that govern hair and shopping, which is why men hate hair and shopping, and the female brain is missing the part that governs sex, which is why they never put out. But also noticeably absent from the female brain are the parts that control problem solving and rational thought.

Well, once I made this scientific breakthrough it all started falling into place. I now have an almost complete understanding of why men and women often times cannot understand each other. I have decided to publish the results of my research here first on acrappywebsite.com for all of my adoring fans. You will be priviledged enough to have this information without having to subscribe to any science magazines. Frankly I think this discovery could lead to a Nobel Prize for me. Anyway, I have decided to take some of the common misunderstandings between the sexes and straighten those out here. In black you will see a series of statements that you may have heard from a woman at one time or another, and in green you'll see the English translation of what I like to call, bitchspeak. Hope this is helpful.

You're a really nice guy, but... ...you're ugly.

I'd love to go on a date with you, but... ...you're ugly.

I don't want to ruin our friendship... ...you're ugly.

I'm sorry, I don't date (coworkers, friends, people I don't know too well, etc.)... ...you're ugly.

You would make a great boyfriend for someone else but... ...you're ugly.

I just got out of a relationship... ...you're ugly.

I thought you just wanted to hang out as friends... ...you're ugly.

We should get to know each other better before we date... ...there's somebody much cuter than you I'm hoping to hook up with and I'm stalling for time, but I want to keep you around in case he thinks I'm fat.

I just want to be friends... ...I still want you to do stuff for me and give me emotional support, but I'm not putting out.

It's not you, it's me... ...it actually is me because I'm really immature and just don't know it, but I actually think it's you so I'm telling you it's me because I don't really have a good reason for breaking up with you so I'm trying to make you feel better about it because I don't want to feel guilty for completely shitting on your emotions.

It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all... ...I never loved you and don't know anything about love, so I'm going to say some cute inspirational bullshit so I can feel better about myself.

If you loved me, you would want me to be happy... ...I'm bored so to get you leave me alone I'm using your feelings for me against you because I'm a cold heartless bitch.

If you love something, let it go, if it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with... ...I'm never coming back but I'm trying to give you hope for the future so you don't cry in front of me.

I didn't mean for this to happen... ...I just don't care that it did.

I think we should see other people... ...I'm already fucking somebody else but if I say this I can convince myself it was a mutual decision so I don't feel like a whore.

We've just been growing apart... ...I'm fucking your best friend.

I promise I'm not mad about it anymore... ...I'll be damned if you're getting laid tonight.

Of course you can go out with the guys... ...I'll be damned if you're getting laid tonight.

You can watch the football game instead of watching a Lifetime movie about an ovarian cyst with me if you want to... ...I'll be damned if you're getting laid tonight.

Let's just drop it... ...oh shit, I just realized I'm wrong but I don't want to admit it because I'm still mad at you so I'm looking for a quick out.

You need to stop being so insecure and worrying about how I feel so much... ...I should probably make you feel appreciated once in a while instead of putting everyone else in life ahead of you but I don't want to and you're making me feel bad for it.

Do I look fat?... ...tell me I'm pretty.

Do you think she's hot?... ... tell me I'm pretty.

You don't have to get me anything for (birthday, Christmas, etc.)... ...you'd better already know what I want. And it isn't the thought that counts you son of a bitch.

It's okay that you forgot our anniversary... ...you will never see my boobs again.

It's bigger than I expected... ...PINKY DICK!

(Orgasm sounds)... ...God, aren't you done yet?

I want to have sex... ...I want something but I know if you get laid first I have a better chance of getting it.

I want you to_______... ...and you aren't getting any again until you do.

I don't normally do this on a first date... ...normally we do it doggy-style.

Maybe if you're lucky you'll get a good-night kiss... ...if you don't at least get a blowjob by the end of the night you're doing something wrong.

I've only had two partners... ...at the same time.

I've never had sex... ...with you.

I'm actually still a virgin... ...my nickname is Gangbang.

I'm pregnant... ...God dammit, you'd better be rich.

I'm pregnant and I know you're the father... ...I have no fucking idea but you're the richest guy I've been with lately.

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