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I never thought one of my rants would be inspired by a nudie magazine, but that is exactly the case here. I went to high school with a certain athlete. I'm far too mature to say his name, so I'll refrain from doing so. However, I'm not too mature to give hints. He plays football. He plays for a team from a state that lies somewhere between Ohio and New York and wears black uniforms with yellow numbers. He wears a prime number that lies somewhere between six and eight. He has a big fucking nose. And in one of the funniest games in NFL history, he choked on a big one in the AFC championship and single handedly cost his team the opportunity to play in the Super Bowl. If you need any more hints than that, you obviously don't watch professional football, in which case saying his name wouldn't do any good anyhow. For the purpose of this article, I will just refer to him as Big Nose. Of all the rookie records he set last year, the one overlooked the most was the fact that he set the record for the largest nose in NFL history. I'm not kidding, he has a big fucking nose. It looks like he stuck a God damn banana on his face, that's how big his nose is. I've seen buses shorter than this nose. His nose is so big that in high school he was once counted tardy even though his nose had been in the room for ten minutes.

So anyway, Big Nose went to my high school, and let me tell you, the guy is a Grade A asshole. If you people think I'm an asshole, you should have gone to high school with this guy. He was probably the single most hated person at our school. And that's saying something because my school had over two thousand students. The thing is, when I was in high school, he was just another asshole that I hated. It wasn't that big of a deal. Sure, he was a cock, but a lot of people were cocks, shit happens. But the problem was, starting in about his red-shirt sophomore year of college, all of a sudden people started talking about him going pro. I was like, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit. It's been all downhill from there, and it keeps getting worse. Not only did he go to the NFL, he just happened to go to the team with the best defense in the NFL, possibly the best receiving group in the NFL, and one of the best running games in the NFL. All he had to do was not make mistakes, which he didn't too much (at least until the post-season), and the media ate it up like Jesus Christ himself had put on pads. But then he got into the post-season and teams had finally figured out how to stop him and he actually started to look like a rookie.

But the thing that pisses me off so much about him, is that everyone thinks he's a God damn saint just because he can throw a fucking football. Apparently athletic ability somehow only exists in nice people. At least that's what people tend to believe. When they find out I went to high school with him and played football on the same field, everyone has an orgasm and goes "Oh my God, you're so lucky." No asshole, I'm not lucky, he was a dick, and now I can't even pick up a fucking nudie magazine without seeing him (more on that in a moment). My favorite is when people ask me why I don't like him and act all surprised because he's a celebrity and apparently all celebrities are the nicest people in the world and you're supposed to worship the ground they walk on just because they happen to have one very marketable skill, in this case throwing a damn ball. I've got news for you retards, celebrities can be assholes too, and often times they're even bigger assholes than normal people. I'm a nice freakin' guy compared to a lot of celebrities.

Now, in the interest of not getting sued, I can't list all of the reasons Big Nose is a dickhead and I hate him. You see, even though I haven't listed his name, it's still obvious to any NFL fan who I'm talking about, hence some of the things I could say about him, I won't, because I can't prove that it happened, therefore I could be sued for libel or slander or whatever you want to call it.

However, there are a lot of things I can say that he can't sue me for. Well first of all, he was just a cock. I mean the guy was an asshole even before he was a football god. He was being a dick back when he was a skinny, gangly. twig who couldn't take any hits. In fact on of the reasons he drew so little attention from big football programs is that scouts saw him as too skinny to make it in college. Now he's one of the largest quarterbacks in the NFL.

I personally didn't like Big Nose from the day I met him. I met him at a football camp. He was the quarterback, I was an offensive tackle, but they were trying me at center. I had never played center before in my life, so incidentally I screwed up the snap count a couple of times. He went totally ape shit, cussing at me and throwing the football at my head from about two feet away. I can understand why I've read that some of his offensive linemen don't particularly like him. Big Nose always went with his friends to the same restaurant I went to my friends with. We would all go to Pizza Hut for the pizza buffet. He was so proud of his godly football arm that he used to show it off by throwing rocks at passing semis on the highway. Brilliant. We would always hope that one day one of the semis would stop and some very large trucker would come out and beat the shit out of him. Never happened. Honestly, most of the other stuff he did (in highscool) I can't talk about because I could get sued for it.

However, since his NFL career has started he has done plenty to make me despise him even more, and this I can talk about. For starters, he took advantage of the Asian tsunami crisis to make himself look good, which is one of the most selfish and opportunistic things I've ever heard of. He donated his check from the first playoff game last season to help the tsunami victims. You may think this sounds like a good person, but let's look a little closer. The amount he donated was roughly $18,000. May sound like a lot, but when you take into consideration how many millions he made last year, it's peanuts. He signed one of the largest rookie contracts ever, with one of the biggest signing bonuses ever, he reached almost all of his incentives because he happened to be on such a good team, and he had the endorsements. I personally saw him in two different commercials and he had the highest-selling replica jersey on NFL.com. I did the math and him donating his $18,000 would be like me donating $10. Sure, it helps, but it isn't like he made any kind of personal sacrifice to donate it.

But the thing about the situation that was really disgusting was that he made such a big deal out of it. When he did it, he was the first NFL player since the tsunami to publicly donate their money to that cause. And I say publicly because many NFL players donate millions of dollars over the course of their careers, some millions annually, to various charities. They don't make a big production out of it. They just take their paychecks, call their various charities, and make a donation. Big Nose announced his plans to the world every time he was at a press conference or during an interview. Naturally, the media ate it up. If I donated my ten dollars to a charity, do you think I would call a bunch of newspaper reporters and want them to put my picture in the paper with the label "Wonderful Human Being " for it? Hell no, because the fact is, it's not a big deal. I've donated money to charity before, but I do it to help, not to get my fucking name in the paper.

And if you really want to look at his attitude toward charities, let's look at how he treats charities when it WON'T get his name in the paper. He has turned down countless requests for donations from various charities in our hometown. The local Lions Club chapter has an annual charity auction. He even refuses to sign a damn football to be auctioned off for charity. How much of a sacrifice would it really be for him to sign a fucking ball? I think it's fair to say that this is a more clear indicator of how generous he is than when his name is all over the papers as being the next fucking Mother Theresa for donating three hours' pay to victims of a disaster.

This doesn't just hold true for charity and donations, it holds true for obligations as well. My brother was a writer on our high school's newspaper. He was scheduled to interview Big Nose for an article for the school paper. Big Nose just neglected to show up. And why? Because he had an interview for a real media source, rather than some podunk high school paper where everybody already thinks of him as Jesus. That is, they think of him as Jesus now that all the people who actually had to put up with his shit have graduated. Now everybody loves him there because nobody was around to find out what an asshole he really is. Now, the glass cabinets that used to house all the team awards and accomplishments along the cafeteria wall has been turned into a fucking shrine with all of his shit. I've heard that before the students eat, they are required to go over to the shrine, lay out their prayer mats, prostrate themselves before Big Nose, and thank him for being such a wonderful human being and giving people in our hometown a reason to go on living.

And it isn't just the school, it's the whole mother fucking town. I swear to God, one of these days I'm going to go back there and see that they've renamed the town after the guy. You can't spend ten minutes in that shithole without realizing he grew up there. His shit is everywhere and everyone fucking loves him because nobody actually knows what a Grade A dickhole he is. I believe they passed a city ordinance a few months back that every single business must have at least fifteen pieces of Big Nose memorabilia on display, and every retail outlet must have at least one 10x10 display where you can worship him and buy his jerseys, pictures, and a ticket to kiss his ass.

That's another thing about Big Nose that always pisses me off. He has the media and all the jackasses who believe the media completely fooled. His senior year, he came in second place in voting for Ohio's Mr. Football, the award given to the state's top highschool player. In media interviews all he said was that he was very honored to have even been nominated and he thanked everyone who voted for him and he generally acted like Mr. Humble. In school all he was saying is how it was bullshit that he didn't win and that the guy who did win (a receiver who went on to Ohio State) "sucked."

Only now has he started to look like the ass that he is to the media. Those of you NFL fans are probably aware that it looks like Kellen Winslow Jr., the Browns second-year tight end whom everyone was ready to induct into the Hall of Fame before his rookie season, will not be playing this year because he had a motorcycle accident. Big Nose rides a motorcycle, and in the wake of Winslow's accident he was asked by reporters if he were going to continue the hobby, as it is qualified as a "high-risk activity" and could lead to a seriously injury. His thorough, well-thought-out reply was that it isn't a high-risk behavior for him because he is a good, careful rider. Oh well hell, sounds foolproof to me. I mean apparently Big Nose is so rich now that he purchased his own highway system entirely separate from the roads all the bad drivers use. And then there was the incident after he single-handedly blew the AFC championship game by repeatedly throwing the ball to the wrong team. In the aftermath of the game, he told reporters that over the course of the game, he broke his toe, which is why he wasn't playing very well. He then quickly added that he wasn't using it as an excuse. His coach and the trainers, however, said that there was no broken bone, he had slightly aggravated an injury from high school. The funny thing is, he said the "injury" occurred at the end of the first half, but he played much better in the second half than he did in the first half, so if anything, the "injury" helped his performance.

One other thing to add about his endless parade of excuses was that he explained his decline in performance toward the end of the season by saying that the NFL season is longer than college and that he threw so many more passes last season than he ever had in college and his arm was getting tired. Again, he would quickly add that he wasn't using that as an excuse. I did some digging. His rookie season in the NFL, he played in 15 games, throwing 349 passes, including playoffs. His senior season in college he played 14 games, one less than his rookie pro season, but he threw a total of 495 passes, almost 150 more than his rookie pro season. So he threw about 150 fewer passes in only one more game, yet "his arm was tired." What a fucking chump. And if your first NFL season is so incredibly tiring and it's natural to wear out at the end, how do you explain the fact that the Lions' rookie running back, Kevin Jones, was clearly playing better as the season went on? At the beginning of the year, he was nothing special,but by the end of the season, he was having 100 yard games almost weekly. Maybe he broke his toe, that seems to have a positive effect on player performance.

Now what, you may ask, does all this have to do with nudie magazines? Twice in the last three months, Big Nose had his picture in Playboy. Once, partying at the mansion and once in the NFL preview. Hugh Hefner has jumped on the "Big Nose is God" bandwagon. On the one hand, it's kind of funny, because he has made such a big deal about being a Christian. He even got fined by the NFL last year for writing "I love Jesus" or some other gay shit like that on his cleats. Funny, because all the die-hard fundamentalists think he's the greatest guy ever because he's so fucking humble and he loves Jesus and all this shit, and here he is hanging out with Mr. Promiscuous Sex himself at a mansion filled with naked chicks, alcohol, and other such debauchery and sin.

On the other hand, however, it freakin pisses me off because I can't even read a fucking nudie magazine without getting away from the guy. And Playboy is ready to put the guy in the Hall of Fame now. They actually made the absurdly ridiculous comment that Big Nose has Steelers fans saying "Terry Who?" How fucking outrageous is that? Terry Bradshaw is a Hall of Fame quarterback, one of the best ever, and he just happened to be the leader of the Steel Curtain teams, one of the greatest dynasties in pro football history. Big Nose plays just well enough to not fuck up through the regular season, than plays like a rookie in the playoffs, including single-handedly blowing the Steelers' shot at playing in the Super Bowl, and Playboy is saying he's making fans forget Terry Bradshaw. Yeah fuckin' right.

Another thing his ass-kissers never like to point out is that he couldn't have been handed a better situation than the one he has in Pittsburgh. He had the league's best defense, two Pro-Bowl caliber receivers, and two very good running backs. But everybody wants to give him all the credit. Fucking ass-kissers. I'm too pissed off to even continue. I need to go masturbate. Better not grab a Playboy this time, might see another picture of Big Nose and get all pissed off again.