For centuries, couples have argued about everything from which movie to see to which car to buy. Well, no longer. I have taken it upon myself to help couples everywhere by doing some unbiased, scientific research to discover once and for all who has better tastes: men or women. You're welcome.
Since a large survey would have taken lots of time and money, I decided it would be just as good to base my research on the answers of one man and one woman, each of whom would represent all men and women everywhere. As the representative man, I decided to go with the ultimate alpha-male: myself. I figure I am pretty representative of men everywhere. I like boobs, football, and watching hot chicks go at it. For the woman whose answers will represent women everywhere I went with my fiance, as she is also a fairly typical woman. She's into typical girly crap like poetry and dolls and she has no desire to make it with another chick.
I asked myself and my fiance the same questions and will report the answers here. Then, I will compare the answers using universally accepted criteria for deciding whose answers show better taste: mine or my fiance's. The results should settle once and for all who should be making all the decisions in relationships.
Cars:
Mine: I personally drive a little black Neon.
Hers: A yellow Ford Focus.
Analysis: My car is fucking awesome. Hers, ridiculous. It's as big from the top of the roof to the ground as it is from the bumper to the fender. Every time she comes over I expect six or eight clowns to jump out of her car with her.
Better Taste: Men
Movies:
Mine: The Lord of the Rings (All three are in my list of favorites), Dude Where's My Car, Rambo II, The Matrix (Just the first one, Reloaded and Revolutions sucked), Office Space
Hers: Dirty Dancing, Where The Heart Is, Hope Floats, Grease, You've Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle
Analysis: Each movie in my list has at least some of the elements of good movies. LOTR is just the shit, Dude Where's My Car? and Office Space have lots of crude humor and use of cuss words, and The Matrix and Rambo II have some of the greatest fight scenes ever recorded on film. Her movies are what you would expect to see at a girl's slumber party. Here's a tip for all the chicks out there, if you want to be taken seriously, instead of watching crappy movies at your slumber parties, try having sexy pillow fights in your nighties.
Better Taste: Men
TV Shows:
Mine: Beavis and Butthead, South Park, ALF (I know, not something you'd expect from me), That 70's Show (Before the writing went to shit in season 7), Futurama
Hers: Full House, Saved by the Bell, Punky Brewster, Roseanne, American Idol
Analysis: My list includes crude, sexist, politically incorrect, cutting-edge humor (except for ALF). On the other hand, the only thing funny about her list is that the Olsen twins went from being celebrity darlings to embarrassing tabloid fodder. I won't get myself started on American Idol yet again.
Better Taste: Men
Qualities Sought in Potential Partners:
Mine: Boobs, bi-sexual tendencies, fondness for cooking and cleaning house
Hers: Morals, family values, sense of humor, respect for self and others, honesty.
Analysis: While the things women look for in men are nice, I just don't see how they'll put a meat loaf on my dinner table.
Better Taste: Men
Favorite Spare Time Activities:
Mine: Doing it, playing video games, watching TV and/or movies, writing for my shitty web site, stealing stuff on the internet.
Hers: Scrapbooking, shopping, watching TV, painting my nails, reading Cosmo.
Analysis: What the crap? She didn't put doing it on her list, but she did put painting her nails? Painting her nails is more entertaining than me? Talk about a serious hit to the ego. And reading? Who the hell reads? And I'm very disappointed at not seeing cooking at the top of the list.
Better Taste: Men
Music of choice:
Mine: Loud, heavy, Satanic shit that scares most normal people.
Hers: Country.
Analysis: On the one hand we have intelligent music with loud guitars and real lyrical content instead of bland filler. On the other hand we have songs about pet dogs, Ford trucks, Grandma, gun racks, and cousin-love.
Better Taste: Men
Life Goals:
Mine: Make it with two chicks at the same time, make it with Angelina Jolie, successfully treat whatever I get from making it with Angelina Jolie.
Hers: Finish school, have children, travel, fly in a plane, buy a house.
Analysis: While her goals may be realistic, grounded, and could potentially bring some measure of happiness and satisfaction, they lack any real glamour. Hell, anyone can do those things. But not just anyone can have sex with Angelina Jolie. Oh wait...
Better Taste: Men
Celebrities You Would Do
First of all, I would just like to say that getting my fiance to name five celebrities she found attractive was like pulling teeth from a crocodile. I was actually suggesting male celebrities to her to try and get her to come up with a list. In the time it took me to get her to name five male celebrities she would do (if ,in her words, she was "a whore who would have sex with someone you don't know" and blah blah blah) I could have named five hundred female celebrities I would do. The whole process did, however, give me some insight into just how it is she actually finds me attractive. A lot of the men I named she found too skinny, and at one point she said "The Rock has a cute face but his muscles are gross." There's a first. I've never heard any female say muscles are gross and that if The Rock weren't so muscular he would be good-looking. So she doesn't like skinny guys, and she thinks muscles are gross. No wonder she thinks I'm hot stuff. Skinny and muscular are about the last words in the English language that would be used to describe me. I think I could be described as "female" before I was described as "skinny."
Mine:
They are (from left to right) Liv Tyler (hottest elf chick ever), Jessica Simpson, Shannon Elizabeth, Angelina Jolie (big surprise), and Kate Beckinsale (hottest vampire ever).
Hers:
They are (clockwise beginning with the mullet in the cowboy hat) Toby Keith, Ashton Kutcher (even though he's too skinny), Troy Gentry (of Montgomery Gentry, a shitty country group), Matt Damon, Nick Lachey.
Analysis: Okay, when I first asked her for five male celebrities she found attractive, the only name she originally gave me was Toby Keith. He has a mullet and usually wears a cowboy hat. I'm all for disqualifying her answers simply because of that, but I'll be fair, because the other four seem at least somewhat normal. Even the other country singer doesn't look too white-trashy. Although I just have to say that Nick Lachey looks really super gay and the fact that he was in a boy band doesn't help. Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way, raise your hand if you thought about touching yourself when you saw my five picks. Now raise your hand if you thought about touching yourself when you saw her five picks. Yep, that's what I thought.
Better Taste: Men
Well, there you have it, men have better taste than women in absolutely everything.