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Have you ever seen the movie 9th Gate? It's sort of a supernatural thriller where Johnny Depp plays an antique book dealer who is hired by a man who collects books about Satan to find out if his copy of the book The 9th Gate, is authentic. Not a bad movie, interesting, kind of creepy, but not bad. I didn't like the ending, though. Anyway, it turns out that the man who hired Depp's character is actually planning to collect the drawings from the three remaining copies of 9th Gate. Each book has nine drawings, and three in each book have slight differences in the drawings, as well as are signed "LCF" instead of the normal artist's initials. Basically, the drawings were supposedly done by Satan, and with all nine of Satan's drawings, the person can go to this one castle place and perform a ritual whereby they effectively become immortal and end up with Satan's powers. There's this chick in the movie who kind of watches Depp's back, and it's never made clear exactly what she is, though she clearly isn't human. Anyway, the man who hired Depp ends up dying and Depp has wild kinky sex with the freaky chick and then she gives him what is assumed to be the "real" ninth drawing, and as the movie ends you see Depp walking toward the castle, presumably to perform the ritual himself.

So what does all this have to do with the best sex I've ever had? I'll tell you what. So, the night after I watched this movie I had possibly the most interesting dream of my life, although me rescuing Pocahontas from space aliens is pretty close. Anyhow, in my dream I was Depp's character from the movie, and my dream basically started off at the end of the movie. Now, in my dream, the freaky wierd chick ended up being Satan, although I never questioned the idea of a female Satan in my dream. I don't remember actually doing that Satan-becoming ritual in my dream, but I remember thinking I was a vampire. Mind you, I don't remember drinking anyone's blood or anything, I just remember being immortal and for some reason thinking I was a vampire.

So anyway, me and this Satan chick pretty much ran the show. We could do whatever the hell we wanted and nobody could stop us. So we decided to use our power to do what any normal person would do. We would go to bars together and bring home hot chicks to keep as sex slaves. Oh yeah, the Satan chick was also bisexual. So anyhow, I remember one day we went to a bar and got these two incredibly hot brunette twins and brought them back to our lair. Yeah that's another wierd thing, the house we lived in was one of my relatives' house. No idea why, I hadn't been to that house in months, it was just the house me and my Satan chick had our freaky wild orgies in. But my relatives didn't live there, just me, the Satan chick, and our sex slaves. So we bring the twins back, and of course once they find out that one of us is Satan and the other is a vampire, they try to escape. So we have to tie them down. I seem to remember the deal we struck with our sex slaves was that they weren't permanent sex slaves as long as they cooperated. As long as they did whatever the hell we wanted and pretended they were into it, we released them unharmed. So me and the Satan chick were having this wild sex party with these two hot twins we'd kidnapped.

Now, here's where the dream starts to get wierd. So the one twin was going down on me, and when I looked down at her, I noticed that I no longer had a penis. And I had boobs. And all the other girl parts. So I looked over and saw what I thought was the Satan chick, and instead it was me. Apparently at this point in the dream I completely switched roles and became the Satan chick and was having this incredibly wild lesbian sex with this hot brunette. It was unquestionably the best sex I've ever had. I think it's fair to say that I am now an expert on lesbian sex, and for the life of me I can't understand why any women have sex with men. Trust me girls, lesbian sex is so much better. God damn is it ever better. If you have never had lesbian sex, you are missing out. I have (sort of) and it is the greatest and most beautiful thing in the world. Don't get me wrong, I think having a penis is cool and all, but there are some things a penis just can't do. And besides, in lesbian sex there are twice as many boobs flopping around, and if that isn't reason enough, I don't know what is. Plus, lesbians just do it better. So girls, do yourself a favor, find yourself another girl, get naked, and have the best time of your life.

crap from 2005