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I was driving home today and I was stopped at a red light. I noticed a police car with its flashers on coming up the street from the direction I was headed. The cop drove through the red light. No biggie, police can do that because if they have their flashers on because it means there is an emergency or something. That's fine. But then after he was through the light he turned his flashers off. In other words, there wasn't any emergency, that asshole just didn't feel like stopping so he turned his flashers on just long enough to get through the red light. Gee, why do people think policemen are assholes? I wonder.

I am so fucking tired of assholes who put on a badge and then suddenly think they're above the law and they can do whatever the fuck they want. You see it all the time, cops running through red lights, cops speeding without their siren or flashers on, cops harassing people for no good reason. God, it fucking pisses me off. You know, we have traffic lights for a reason. It's to control traffic and avoid car accidents. It doesn't work if people can just drive through a red light whenever the fuck they feel like it. Oh, but not everyone can drive through a red light whenever the fuck they feel like it, just cops. See, I'm not cool enough to drive through a red light because I didn't go to the Police Academy so I'm a worthless piece of shit. But maybe I'm being too hard on the guy. Maybe he had a legitimate reason for running the red light. Maybe Krispy Kreme was closing in ten minutes and he was afraid he wouldn't make it, who knows.

Now, I know that not all cops are assholes. There actually are nice cops, believe it or not. I've met some in my day. Actually only two that I can remember, but I have met a couple. Some cops are genuinely nice people who become police because they actually want to help people and make the streets safer, and not because they're power-tripping egomaniacs, but they're in the minority. Most cops I've come across in my day think that just because they have a fucking badge on their shit doesn't stink. Most cops are the last people we should be giving any kind of authority to. There was one guy I went to high school with who ended up becoming a cop. His name was Robert. He once got suspended because he started a fight with a black kid for calling him the "n" word. And this guy is now a cop. Is it just me or does that somehow sound like a bad idea? I figure it's only a matter of time before his face is in the newspaper in a police brutality case, and I'm sure he'll deserve it too, because he's a worthless sack of shit who just wanted to be a cop so he could force people to respect him.

And then what really pisses me off about cops is how they get all pissed off when people don't respect them or make jokes about cops or talk about cops being assholes. I'm sure a few cops are going to read this and get pissed and think I'm just a fat angry asshole with a tiny crooked penis, and they're right, but that doesn't mean they aren't assholes too. The thing is, the few good cops who have a legitimate right to be upset at people not respecting cops, don't really get mad because they understand why people don't like cops. They understand that the assholes with badges give cops a bad reputation. But it's always the assholes who get pissed off at people thinking cops are assholes. Here's an idea, if you want people to treat you as a professional and treat you with respect, then maybe you should try treating civilians with respect and not abusing your power by doing shit like turning your fucking flashers on just so you can run a red light so you can get to Krispy Kreme.

I got to thinking about the whole situation and decided it would be nice to have power and authority I could abuse on a whim, so I decided to become a cop. I made a few phone calls to a local Police Academy to find out what was expected of individuals going into law enforcement. Here is a list of what the officer told me they suggest new academy students have:

A stick used for insertion up the ass.

A small penis. This makes the power that much sweeter.

An affinity for baked goods.

A chip on your shoulder, preferably from not getting respect at some phase in life.

Experience of getting beat up a lot. This fuels your anger every time you get to attack an unarmed suspect.

Inflated ego.

Having received at least one wedgie and/or swirly at some point in grade school. This way you can tinker with the bully's criminal record.

Either marijuana or a weapon you can plant on a suspect against whom you really don't have a case and you know it.

A strong dislike for at least one racial or ethnic group.

A violent streak.

A history of baseball or softball playing for recreation. This makes the transition to swinging your night stick at a suspect's head go smoothly.

And finally, the most important requirement of all. The ability to put your own personal interests above both the law and the good of the community.

Cops suck.

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