As some of you may be aware, I am a restaurant manager, which means I do a lot of hiring, interviewing, and application sifting. And I enjoy having a hand in the running of our business and bringing people in, but sometimes it makes my head hurt because of the overwhelming amount of stupidity I'm subjected to by people who actually think I'm going to be impressed with their idiocy. Even after six years in management it still amazes me. People think that just because it's a restaurant any yahoo can walk in and get a job. Not true, but people still seem to think so. We get a couple applications a day, more if we have "Now Hiring" signs up, and with a staff that only ranges from 30-40 on average, we clearly don't need to hire every yutz that applies.
It's bad enough when people are so clueless that they can't present themselves professionally in a job interview, like the guys who come in for interviews wearing a wife beater and their butt-crack showing, but what really gets me is the people who can't even manage to do something as simple as fill out a job application intelligently. At any given time, we have a stack of applications half a foot thick. With that many people wanting jobs, your application is your chance to impress me enough to call you and set up a job interview. If your application makes you look like a moron, I'm not going to interview you. Some of the applications I get make me shake my head. Spelling and grammar errors, words crossed out, whiteout, scribbles, doodles, and questions left blank make me really wonder just what the hell these people were thinking when they handed me that application. I would estimate that 5% or less of all people who turn in applications actually get an interview. If you can't even present yourself professionally on a job application, you're not getting a damn job.
The following are all actual application responses from actual people trying to get me to give them a job. The information in black is questions from our application, the red is the applicant's response, and the green is my take on it. And I swear to God each one of these is an actual response. In past versions of this I've had readers email me to tell me they don't believe some of the responses are legit, but they are. I wish I was making some of these up, but I am not. These are honest, legitimate responses on honest legitimate job applications from people who I assume actually want a job and think these responses are going to get them one.
And yes, I realize I normally only do this thing around August or September, because that's our heaviest hiring season so I have the most stupidity to choose from, but circumstances encouraged me to do one now. You see, after working almost my entire working life at the same job, I am about to be moving on. My father-in-law will be starting a business soon and he is bringing me on as his assistant manager (Hooray for nepotism!) so I wanted to do one last edition of one of my favorite concepts I've ever come up with for this site (and I've gotten a lot of positive feedback on them). Of course, I could end up with a whole new batch of application material from my new job, so stay tuned for that.
Part One - General Data
In this section, people fill out such basic information as their anticipated start date, availability, and type of work and hours they're looking for. Sounds simple enough, but apparently not to some. Like the three people who misspelled the word "availability" right underneath the word "availability" on the application. And these people:
Availability: "5 - open." Well, we open at 7:00 AM. So does this mean you can come in at 5:00AM and work until 7:00 for two hours when nobody is there? Or that you can come in at 5:00PM and work overnight when nobody is there?
Availability: "9-5, M-S." I realize filling out job applications is tedious, but you may not want to be abbreviating things such as using a letter "S" when you mean a day of the week when there are two days in the week that start with that letter. They probably mean Sunday, but you never know, it may be one of those people that just doesn't consider Sunday a work day so they mean Saturday.
Availability: "Available for almost every shift." This from someone currently attending high school. It never ceases to amaze me that the kiddies are often so self-centered that they assume businesses don't open until they get out of school and they close early enough for them to get home in time on a school night. I can't tell you how many times I've interviewed high school kids who tell me they can work any time we're open, only to find out that the world doesn't revolve around the high school day.
Part Two - Personal Data
In this section, people fill out slightly more difficult information, such as their name, address, phone number, and employment eligibility information. And this really throws off some people, like the guy who next to the question "Are you eligible to work in the United States?" wrote the letter "y," then crossed it out and wrote the word "yes." And this guy:
Job Skills: "Management/Supervision from experience as Boy Scout Junior Assistant Scoutmaster." Really? A Boy Scout Junior Assistant Scoutmaster? That's pretty impressive. And how many employees did you supervise as a Boy Scout Junior Assistant Scoutmaster? And what kind of customer interactions did you have as a Boy Scout Junior Assistant Scoutmaster? And what kind of shift-leading decisions did you make as a Boy Scout Junior Assistant Scoutmaster? And what sort of cost controls were you responsible for overseeing as a Boy Scout Junior Assistant Scoutmaster? Yeah, that's what I thought Mr. Boy Scout Junior Assistant Scoutmaster. Self-important douche.
Part Three - Education Data
In this section, we ask for educational information including high school/colleges attended, courses of study, and whether or not people graduated. Easy for some, not for others. Like the guy who, in response to the "Course of Study" question for high school, wrote the word "general," then crossed it out and wrote the word "honors" so he would apparently look smarter. And this guy:
College Attended: "I haven't decided yet." He hasn't decided about his educational history?
Part Four - Employment Data
Now here's where the men separate themselves from the boys. This is the section with the absolute best responses. Like the guy who in this one section of the application used the words "earliy," "flexable," and Tumbleeweed." And these people.
Reason for Leaving: "Quit-undisclosed reasons." Apparently he hasn't been told why he quit that job. That sucks.
Reason for Leaving: "Temp job and work was over." This would be fine except that he had that job for six years. Hell of a temp job.
Reason for Leaving: "Job ended." This person listed this for every job they had ever had, including a hotel receptionist and a restaurant server that are both still open.
Job Description: "Arrive at job." Sounds like that job had some very low standards. Maybe I should apply.
Name of Employer: "Rescue Rangers." You mean like the ass-kicking chipmunks? Wow, I've never hired a talking, ass-kicking chipmunk before.
Reason for Leaving: "New oprotunaties." This response was three strikes in one. Strike one for the spelling. Strike two for the bullshit euphemism rather than an honest response. Strike three because the "new oprotunaty" was going from Burger King to Chick-Fil-A, so it's obviously a sideways move anyway so the bullshit euphemism isn't even accurate.
Job Description: "Edit and proofead documents." Proofead? Wow, the irony is overwhelming. Maybe you should proofead your fucking job applications, dumbass.
For more actual application responses see:
and you want me to give you a job?
and you want me to give you a job? (Part 2)
and you want me to give you a job? (Part 3)
and you want me to give you a job? (Part 4)