I was part of a conversation the other day about, you guessed it, poop. I'm not sure how I always find myself in the middle of these conversations, I just do. Anyway, we were discussing the potential embarassment of bowel movements in mixed company. Apparently, a lot of people think it's embarassing to have to drop a deuce when that special someone is over for a romantic rendezvous. Apparently, a lot of people feel shame when they have to retire to the bathroom and squeeze out some little brown babies when they're with someone they want to impress. Once again, I'm glad I'm not a lot of people.
You see, there's nothing to be embarassed about. Taking a crap is a totally natural, albeit funny, human activity. Everyone does it. Healthy people do it once a day. So why are people so embarassed by this natural occurence? The person you're trying to impress takes shits too. Everybody does.
Just what is it about feces that's so funny anyway? Is it because it's brown and disgusting? Is it because it stinks? Is it because it comes out of your ass? Here's another interesting question to ponder while you're laying awake in bed at night. Kind of a chicken-or-egg question if you will. Is shit so funny because it comes out of our asses (the funniest body part) or are our asses so funny because shit comes out of them? It's one of the great mysteries of life.
"So Randy," you say, "you mean to tell me you aren't even the slightest bit embarassed when your fiance comes over to your house and you have to take a crap?" And the answer is, no, I am not. As a matter of fact, I see taking a shit in mixed company as an opportunity. "An opportunity," you say. "Randy, how can something so embarassing be an opportunity lol?"
I'll tell you how. It's an opportunity to take your embarassment, and instead come out of the situation looking funny, charming, and possibly even embarassing the other person. You see, most people are embarassed by taking a shit, so I do the exact opposite. I take pride in my bowel movements. I revel in going to the bathroom and taking a big old crap and making sure I relate every detail.
It isn't unlike renting a porno at the video store. You see, the person you hand the porno to at the counter who checks it out for you is far more embarassed than you are. Once you realize this, you can have fun with it. Ask them if they've seen the porno before, or if they know of a good one they would reccomend. Try and get them to say the name of a porno out loud. A good way to do this is intentionally returning pornos late and accruing a late fee. That way, when you go in to rent another, the clerk has to tell you that you have a late charge. So, you ask what movie the late charge is for and watch them squirm. It's even better if you argue with them about it. For example, let's say you rented something called "Backdoor Gangbang Sluts 9" and you returned it a day late, so you have a late charge. Here's how you handle it.
You: What is the late charge for?
Video Store Clerk: Well, it's an, um, adult movie.
You: An adult movie? Oh, you mean a porno?
Clerk: Well, yes sir.
You: Well, which one is it?
Clerk: Well, I don't really feel comfortable saying the name out loud.
You: Well how am I supposed to know which one it was? I've rented a thousand pornos here.
Clerk: Here, I can show you the name on the computer. (They'll turn the computer monitor around and show you."
You: Backdoor Gangbang Sluts 9? I know I returned that one on time. It was one of the worst pornos I've ever rented. I couldn't even get it up watching that crap, so I returned it the next day. If you'd said Backdoor Gangbang Sluts 8, I'd be more inclined to believe you, because that was a good one and I watched that several times, but Backdoor Gangbang Sluts 9 just didn't do it for me.
I think you get the picture. And so it is with taking a shit. You can either be embarassed at a normal human bodily function, like this;
Or, you can have fun with it. Tell your audience what food you ate that led to the impending shit. Tell them how many pages you read in your book over the course of the shit. Make exaggerated sound effects while on the toilet. Talk about what a big load it was and what a relief it is to be rid of it. Like this;
And, in a rather appropriate development, I'd better wrap this up because I have to take a shit. And to follow my own advice, it was from a chocolate ice cream sandwich, coincidentally called "Mississippi Mud". It's true, I swear to God. I was at Wal-mart today and saw a box labeled "Mississippi Mud" and just had to buy it. And now it appears it has come full circle as my Mississippi Mud ice cream sandwich has turned into, well, Mississippi Mud.
P.S. 14 pages.