First of all, before I get started here, I have to say something. If you knowingly clicked on something labeled "All About My Balls," then you, my friend, knew exactly what the fuck you were getting into. So no emails about how gross this shit is. Stop now if you just clicked on the link because you were like "Omg, Randy has new stuff up and he is teh awesome, I must click." If you keep reading, you asked for it. Although technically, the title of this should have been "All About My Ball" since it's only about one of them.
Actually, this is about the ball that I alledgedly don't have. Yes, according to my mother, I have one (1) testicle. She apparently told my wife that a couple years ago and my wife is just now telling me this because that's how quickly news spreads from my wife to me.
And yes, you did read that correctly. My mother told my wife that I have one lonely ball swinging between my legs like a sweaty pendulum. Mind you, this is not true, they're both definitely there. So I have no idea where this vicious rumor came from, whether one of them was just really small when I was a kid and she didn't see it, or one was turtling it up, or if my mom is just a really shitty counter.
But apparently not only do I only have one ball, but she also explained to my wife that this is something that runs in our family. I didn't even know a missing ball was something that COULD run in the family. I didn't know there were that many dudes running around one ball short of a Happy Meal. I didn't realize there are apparently just entire family trees made up of men with one nut (insert your own tree/nut joke here), but on the planet my mom comes from that must be the case. Either that or she really is going fucking crazy. Even for her.
But what's keeping me awake at night is wondering how in the hell this came up in conversation with my wife. Seriously, on what planet do women discuss their sons' genetalia with their significant others? And on those planets where these conversations take place, how in God's name does that conversation come up? Is it like:
Or maybe:
Or was my mom just having one of her angry crazy days and it went like :
Although knowing my mom, it probably went something like:
Seriously. And she wonders why I live two hours away.