What a shitty year. Well, I guess it's time to make fun of it.
Movie I'm Glad I Didn't See:
"Harry Potter and the Whatever the Fuck He's Doing this Time." Can they just finish with those movies already?
Close second to the new Twilight movie since, once again, we get a new Twilight every year and we have to wait like three years in between X-Men movies. And we're still waiting for the Hobbit movie. Seriously, what the fuck is taking so long for that?
*Some astute viewers may note that this is the exact same entry I used last year for this category. Yeah, that's how shitty and repetitive Hollywood is getting. Although I hear "The Hobbit" might actually be released sometime in the near future.
Movie I Wish I Hadn't Seen:
X-Men: First Class. See "X-Men: First Class - Questions" for more on what an illogical train wreck this crap was.
TV Show I'm Glad Ended:
"Friday Night Lights." The football coach at my high school was a dick and I really didn't care about high school jocks' lives when I was in high school, why should I care now?
Also Oprah.
TV Show that Needs to End...Now:
"Family Guy." For the second year in a row, Family Guy wins. Only this year it's not because Family Guy is no longer funny. It's because Family Guy is no longer funny AND it's preachy as hell. Quite a combination. Seriously, we get shows filled with politics, religion, domestic abuse, and almost no laughs from start to finish. It's like being in church, only animated. And the preacher is Seth McFarland. And he's not leeching my money, he's leeching the FOX network's.
Shitty Music Artist of the Year:
Christina Aquilera, for fucking up the words to the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. Oh well, at least it isn't like it's the single most watched event in the entire world. Oh wait...
Close second to that hack American Idol chick who forgot them at the Lions/Packers Thanksgiving game. Seriously, this is what Fox gets for shoving their American Idol contestants down our throats at every televised football game in a desperate attempt to get people to believe that those people are talented musicians who get actual music careers after going on there. I'll give you Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson, and maybe, MAYBE Daughtry. Other than that, none of those 15-minutes-of-fame hacks have done anything worth anything after going on that show.
The "Who Gives A Shit" Event of the Year:
The royal wedding. I have yet to hear an explanation for why anybody gives a rat's ass about Queen Elizabeth, Prince William, Prince Charles, or any of those other figurehead ass clowns. They don't do anything but be rich and smile on camera. They're like Paris Hilton. Only half the world hasn't fucked them.
Asshole of the Year:
Joe Paterno. Yeah, I know, he did the bare minimum required by law. But somehow, when you know for a fact that your top assistant is raping children, and you don't IMMEDIATELY call the police and/or beat the holy hell out of said assistant, you're a piece of shit.
Honorable mention to my former landlord for evicting me and my wife at Christmas because she had a fight with her boyfriend and wanted to move back in. More on this in an upcoming web show.
Dumbass of the Year:
All the morons who got pissed off at things that happen on "reality" TV shows that make it look like - duh - they're not as "real" as they purport to be. The Kardashian chick with the big ass had her show built up and based totally around her dream wedding, only for her to get divorced like right after the big wedding finale aired, making it look like the whole thing was - gasp - staged to make more compelling TV. And then there was the uproar that happened when people found out that nasty old bitch on "The X Factor" who had been pretty much the focal point of the show had in fact already been a recording artist. Again, it's almost like they wanted to make sure they had someone who could perform well and reliably in front of an audience that they could put into a certain spot to give the audience someone to cheer for to make for more compelling TV.
No seriously, as a pro wrestling fan, I have to say I fucking love this shit. I get so much crap from people for watching pro wrestling for being "fake" because the winners of the matches are determined ahead of time and the wrestlers are working together to make the matches more compelling for the fans. But here's the difference, I know that already and wrestlers are not pretending otherwise. Vince McMahon himself will tell you the outcomes are scripted ahead of time. It's not a secret. Yet somehow, I'm an idiot for watching pro wrestling because it's staged, but not the people who watch scripted and contrived "reality" TV who actually think it's real.
So you have "reality" TV fans who are really total marks that assume like moronic douchebags that everything they're presented is 100% real that get really pissed off when they find out that (just like in pro wrestling) what you are dumb enough to believe is real, is actually every bit as contrived, scripted, and manipulated to make for compelling stories for the fans to enjoy. And don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with making TV that way. Compelling TV is compelling TV and a good story is a good story no matter how you arrive at it. But the difference is that as a pro wrestling fan, I'm intelligent enough to know (and the industry is honest enough to admit) that what I'm watching is contrived, scripted, and manipulated to give me a good story, which I enjoy. So reality TV fans, I've got two words for ya...
Oh, and honorable mention to every jackwagon who actually thought the Rapture was happening a couple months back because some guy said it would. Especially considering the same guy had already been wrong about it once. Fucking dipshits. I mean it isn't like the Bible explicitly tells you that nobody knows or will be able to predict the day or hour or anything like that. So really what everyone was saying as they were sitting a their church Rapture parties was that they believed that this random dude was smarter than God, even though he had already been wrong once. Yeah, that wouldn't piss off God or anything. Morons.
Failure of the Year:
The Indianappolis Colts. Holy shit. I thought the Detroit Lions were bad after Barry Sanders retired. But this year's Manning-less Colts puts those post-Barry Lions to shame. I think now we can finally put to bed the Manning vs Brady debate. When the Patriots were without Brady a couple seasons ago, they still won 11 games. The colts without Manning, holy shit what a train wreck.
The "Ha Ha You Got Arrested" Award:
Adam Lambert, formerly known as "That really super gay guy from American Idol." He was arrested recently for getting into a fight...with his boyfriend. Best...fight...ever.
The "Ha Ha, You Went Crazy" Award:
Running away with it, Charlie Sheen. Winning.
The "Dammit, I Thought You Were Dead" Award:
Tim Allen. Who, like Roseanne, apparently blew all his money so he's coming out of the woodwork to get a new TV show. And who, like Roseanne, will have it canceled soon thereafter.
The "Whoops, I Just Destroyed My Career" Award:
Hank Williams Jr. For more, see "Hank Williams Jr = LOL.
My Favorites:
My five personal favorites of all the crap I've written this year:
"My Next 30 Years" - All about turning 30.
"56 Things I Will Not Fucking Miss About Working At Friendly's" - Pretty self-explanatory.
"All About My Balls" - Also self-explanatory.
"New Year's Eve Sucks" - A cartoon about how unbelievably lame "New Year's Rockin' Eve is.
"The Pro Bowl Sucks" - A cartoon about how unbelievably lame the NFL Pro Bowl is.
My Favorite Web Show:
New this year, but since I only have five episodes so far, I'll just list my single favorite episode:
Episode IV "6th Best out of 10" - A behind the scenes look at one of my standup shows.