What a shitty year. Well, I guess it's time to make fun of it.
Movie I'm Glad I Didn't See:
"Harry Potter and the Whatever the Fuck He's Doing this Time." Can they just finish with those movies already?
Close second to the new Twilight movie since, once again, we get a new Twilight every year and we have to wait like three years in between X-Men movies. And we're still waiting for the Hobbit movie. Seriously, what the fuck is taking so long for that?
Movie I Wish I Hadn't Seen:
"Avatar." Most...overrated...movie...ever.
TV Show I'm Glad Ended: (Well Almost)
The impending Oprah departure. Thank God. Oh but now all the barely-literate zombies won't know what to read anymore so people might actually have to make decisions for themselves.
TV Show that Needs to End...Now:
"Family Guy." I'm sorry, but after years of hilarity, surprised as I am to say this, I think this show jumped the shark when Cleveland left to make Black Family G...I mean "The Cleveland Show." They're now just splitting the same jokes between two shows and both are suffering for it to the point where neither show is worth following. It was a good run, but there hasn't been one episode this season that was actually worth half an hour of my time. I keep watching just in case, but so far I've been nothing but let down.
Close second to South Park for similar reasons. They've gotten extremely formulaic with the show, to where once you get the general plot explained in the first five minutes, you can pretty much guess the rest on a lot of shows. Another show with a hilarious history that has seen better days. And I'm saying that as a die-hard fan. I don't want to see either of these shows go the way of the Simpsons and hang around on life support years after they've been relevant or entertaining, and that's where they're both headed.
Shitty Music Artist of the Year:
Susan Boyle. God, just knowing that bitch is alive somewhere gives me the creeps.
The "Who Gives A Shit" Event of the Year:
Simon Cowell leaves American Idol. Really. Is this honestly a big deal? I'm reminded of the time I saw a pile of horse shit with three flies sitting in it. A new fly flew over and sat in it. Then another fly got mad at left, and got replaced by a lesbian fly who just wasn't very funny. Then a couple flies flew away and another one came. And then for some reason I couldn't figure out, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith came over to the pile of shit and sat down and I was like "Seriously Steven Tyler of Aerosmith? You're so much better than that stinky pile of horse shit."
Asshole of the Year :
LeBron James, who can't just sign a contract like a normal fucking person. No, he has to drag it out and make himself an entire fucking prime time special out of where he's going to play because that's how important he considers himself. Of course when someone refers to himself as "King James" I guess you can't be surprised at something like this.
Dumbass of the Year:
Everyone who watched said prime time special. Close second for those who allowed it to actually take place.
Failure of the Year:
The entire Dallas Cowboys organization. All the talk about Dallas being the first team ever to host a "home game" in the Super Bowl, and they were out of the playoff race by early November. Made me lol.
The "Ha Ha You Got Arrested" Award:
Charlie Sheen. Another year, another domestic abuse arrest and subsequent divorce for Sheen, who has gotten so bad, that even his hookers are calling the police. Takes a special kind of person to be such an insufferable bastard that your hooker calls the police on you.
The "Dammit, I Thought You Were Dead" Award:
David Hasslehoff. Why does Comedy Central always pick the most random has-been quasi-celebrities for their roasts instead of people who are actually relevant?
The "Whoops, I Just Destroyed My Career" Award:
Ben Roethlisberger successfully defended his title with his annual rape investigation, proving once again that even multi-time Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks can be an embarrassment to their team, their fans, the NFL, their family, the people who graduated high school with them, and pretty much everyone who has the slightest shred of respect for women. Not content with his total lack of endorsement deals, Ben decided to make history by becoming the first player in NFL history to be suspended under the NFL's Personal Conduct Policy without actually being convicted of any crime. That's how special he is. Quite a feat when a quarterback who has won two Super Bowls has his team so outraged that they considered trading him away to another team so they could draft a rookie to replace him who spent the entire previous year out of football with an injury. And he hasn't exactly proven himself as especially valuable to the team on the field either considering that astute observers have pointed out that the Steelers actually did better without Roethlisberger than they've done with him.
While Ben was sitting at home in timeout, the Steelers used a combination of Charlie Batch, Dennis Dixon, and Byron Leftwich and went 3-1 against teams who have a combined record of 38-22 (.633 winning %) as of this writing. Since he's been back they've gone 8-3 against teams with a combined record of 78-87 (.473 winning%) as of this writing. This is not to suggest that Batch, Dixon, and Leftwich are better quarterbacks than Rapistberger is, but it seems clear that at the very least he is not the determining factor in their success, and he may even be a detriment with his drama, antics, and distractions.
My Favorites:
My five personal favorites of all the crap I've written this year:
soccer sucks - A cartoon showing why I don't watch soccer.
the chamber - About the creepiest place I've ever been in my life.
sleeping penis - About 3:00 AM erectile misadventures.
you should never take pleasure in the misery of others - More on this year's "Whoops, I Just Destroyed My Career" award winner.
mathematical proof that Alice In Chains must change their name - This one's pretty self-explanatory.