Well, 2009 closed out a bust of a decade with a bust of a year. Maybe the next one will be better. Probably not, but here's hoping.
Movie I'm Glad I Didn't See:
Twilight: New Moon. For the second year in a row, it's a Twilight movie. How is it we only get a new X-Men movie once every three or four years, but we get a new Twilight every year? Not cool.
Movie I Wish I Hadn't Seen:
Terminator: Salvation. Okay, this is more of a movie I wish hadn't been made than anything else. Let's see, let's take a movie franchise that kicked ass in the first two movies, that was shit all over with the third, poorly-done movie ten years later, take away the original director, and rather than have it be based around Arnold, or even based on the John Connor character, let's make it based on a robot with feelings who thinks it's a person. And finally, let's give it a title that makes it sound like a Jesus movie. Fucking brilliant. I probably should've known better than to see it. But at least it gave us the most fantastic rant of all time. Thank you Christian Bale.
TV Show I'm Glad Ended:
Jon & Kate plus 8. This one is so obvious I don't think I even have to elaborate on it.
Shitty Cd Of The Year:
Call it a toss-up between any of the CDs released by American Idol contestants.
Shitty Music Artist Of The Year:
They don't really count as artists, but see any of the afore-mentioned American Idol contestants.
The "Who Gives A Shit" Event Of The Year:
Conan takes over for Jay Leno on The Tonight Show. Ho hum.
Dumbass Of The Year:
Barack Obama. Politics aside, I actually like him as a President, because his antics entertain me. Everybody said George W. Bush was stupid, but to be fair, he made himself look a lot dumber than he actually was. He was mostly just ineloquent. He's got nothing on Obama when it comes to straight-up stupidity. First, Obama made a Special Olympics joke on The Tonight Show. Then, he killed a fly on camera, giving himself more trouble with special interest groups. Then he called Kanye West a jackass on camera. At least when Bush had slip-ups on camera he didn't know the camera was there or could hear him.
Asshole Of The Year:
Taylor Swift. Kanye West was on stage, just trying to show us his new haircut and give props to Beyonce for her video, when that bitch goes up to steal his thunder and get some shitty award nobody cares about. What a whore.
Failure Of The Year:
Balloon Boy's dad. He wanted to be famous. He is, but he's also probably going to prison.
The "Ha Ha You Died" Award:
Lots of people to choose from this year, but I have to go with Michael Jackson, who is now having sleepovers with eight-year-old boys in Hell.
Close second goes to the Bengals' Chris Henry, who just recently died falling off a truck when he was chasing after his fiance following a domestic fight. The funny part of that is the Bengals all insisting it's such a tragedy because we'll never get to know the "new" Chris Henry. See, he had allegedly turned his life around after a rash of several arrests in the last couple years. And they have a point. It had been several months since his last arrest. Of course, dying while falling off a truck as he's chasing his fiance following a domestic fight seems to undermine the "new Chris Henry" theory, but they kind of leave that part out. Call me an asshole but a career criminal who dies doing something stupid while in a fight with his woman isn't a tragedy, it's natural selection.
The "Ha Ha! You Got Arrested" Award
Roman Polanski. About fucking time.
The "Dammit, I Thought You Were Dead" Award:
The cast of "Seinfeld" who had a reunion of sorts on another shitty TV show I don't watch, but I had to see them on magazine covers and it reminded me just how annoying that show was. The one that went....
What's the deal with (insert something here)? It's (insert something else here), but it doesn't (insert something else here).
Then they would talk about having sex with someone or something embarrassing that happened at work or somebody with a slightly irregular body part, and then Kramer would slide in the door, say something stupid, eat some cereal, then randomly yell something and shake his hair up and down. Then the bitch would come in and make some stupid wise-ass feminist remark so the women could laugh. Then he'd make a joke about how funny it is that he's Jewish. Then the fat guy would come in. Then they'd glare at each other for a few minutes, insult each other, then leave. Then the bald guy would talk about what a loser he is and how he can't get laid to save his soul. Then he'd say "What's the deal with..." and I'd throw something at my fucking TV because I was sick of that shit.
The "Whoops! I Just Destroyed My Career!" Award:
Ben Roethlisberger, who just keeps digging himself in deeper and deeper. Chick tells people Ben raped her, and his immediate response is "I've never sexually assaulted anyone, especially not her." Because saying he especially didn't rape her means he really didn't do it, as opposed to just saying he didn't do it. Then he holds a press conference to deny it, in which he is either staring at his shoes or reading off a card the entire time. Pardon me for having a hard time believing someone who can't look at the people he's talking to as he says "I would never force myself on a woman."
Then he says she's just accusing him to get his money. Except her settlement offer wasn't seeking a dime for herself, only an admission, an apology, and a donation to a charity for abused women. So now he's finally admitting that he did have sex with her, but it's because she seduced him with the intention of suing him later. Except that if that were the intent, she would've gone to the police immediately so she could provide semen samples to actually have some hard evidence, and again she would probably be trying to get some money out of him, instead of for a charity she has no personal affiliation with.
Close second goes to Tiger Woods. But eventually he'll be fine, because these chicks at least wanted to do it with him.
My Favorites:
My five personal favorites of everything from my site this year. At least for this year, I'm not including standup sets as those are written completely differently. But if you're just looking for my absolute funniest stuff, that's where I'd look because the nature of standup is it's a lot of jokes condensed together, whereas this site is more stories and articles.
i hate assholes who - About different things people do that piss me off.
vista sucks - About how shitty Windows Vista is.
wanted - My wife had surgery and I did the sympathetic thing and tried to replace her while she was on the I.R.
diarrhea - About an extremely bad case of diarrhea I had. Which you all totally wanted to know about.
stupid bitch - About this retarded bitch I met when I was getting my hair cut who was very loudly proclaiming how Obama is evil.